"Are you frequently pulling at feathers?"
Have you ever felt like you're constantly pulling at feathers trying to get your views heard by your partner? Do you ever feel so frustrated that you begin to squawk and peck at each other?
Hen-pecking is a common communication issue among couples, but there are many ways to get yourself out of this hole.
Like birds in a nest, we all argue with our partners. Some of us argue more, some of us argue less, but needless to say, each of us do it. While society leads us to believe that arguing is damaging and unhealthy, it's an activity that can teach us a lot about ourselves and our relationships. Arguments are powerful indicators of our needs. They are moments where our values and beliefs are instinctively projected, and they provide opportunities for learning and self-reflection.
When you argue with your significant other it can lead to a period of self-reflection. Here are some points to consider when "clashing beaks."
Hen-pecking is a term used to describe women who regularly find fault with, or nag at their man. Men also nag at their wives. Whomever is doing the nagging, it may be painful for the other person to receive, but when this happens, it's healthy to approach this behaviour like a wise old owl. Nagging stems from deep-routed unhappiness, and likely indicates some sort of loss or grief in a person's world. Behind all anger, resentment, and frustration, lies pain and hurt attached to loss, so it may be that your partner is feeling overwhelmed and burnt out. From a female perspective it may be that you feel pressured to keep your nest clean and tidy, look after your young, and fly to work and back. For men, it may be there isn't enough space in the nest to just chill and rest your wings. Being considerate about the pressures your partner is feeling, and finding ways to increase support, is one way of stopping your nest from falling out of the tree.
Arguing is a common communication issue among couples which often pushes one person out of the nest, and leaves both partners feeling empty and degenerated. However, despite the pitfalls of clashing beaks, there are benefits to squawking, and you and your loved one can learn to ruffle each other's feathers in a healthy way, and enjoy your love nest again.
Squabbling has meaning.
It tells us our partner has unmet needs, and hence we need to stop and pay attention. In this busy world where we're all flying around, it's easy to get complacent when it comes to our partner's needs. So, when couples begin to argue it's a sign to stop 'flying' and take some time out to go back to the nest and allow yourself "couple time." Often, arguing is a sign of one partner wanting the other partner's attention, but his or her need just isn't expressed clearly, so it's useful practice to say clearly to your partner "I feel that I'd like to spend more quality time with you," instead of squawking at him or her. Choice of language is imperative in healthy communication because words have significant power and act as keys to unlocking people's defense mechanisms. Thus, using non-violent communication (NVC) is important here because it incorporates the term "I feel," as opposed to the phrase "you are." Working on our own communication patterns, shifts blame from our partners, and enables both parties to take responsibility and accountability of themselves.
Arguing opens the door to do something nice for your partner.
Back at the nest, by doing something simple and kind such as making your partner a tea or coffee will go a long way in helping them to diffuse tension and help your partner recognize your humbleness. Conflict creates opportunities for resolution, which often starts with us giving something of ourselves. Giving can come in many different forms such as: physical; emotional; sexual; and financial. Indeed, opportunities for creative gestures arise as a result of arguments, so don't miss these opportunities to enhance your couple ship.
Is your nest full of twigs?
When conflict arises in the nest, it may be a reminder that your nest is filled with cluttered energy. Having a clear out of what is no longer serving you will likely benefit both your moods. Being in a calm setting is paramount to emotional well-being therefore when arguments arise, check your surroundings to determine what is really bothering both of you. Having a peaceful setting in which to discuss personal issues is critical, so if your nest is full of reminders of the problem you are arguing about, or aggravating your mood, then rearrange your environment, or leave and go somewhere else together to communicate.
"Like birds of a feather we stick together."
Remember that problems are better solved together.
Arguing brings many opportunities to a relationship, one of which is the chance to build better trust and communication between one another. Conflicts also allow us opportunities to practice resolving problems as a team. Although arguing may make it feel like you are on different sides, always remember you are a couple, and as such a better resolution to any issue can come about by approaching a problem together. Ask each other what skills are needed to resolve the issue and harness your abilities as a couple.
One of the keys to successful conflict resolution is understanding our own attributions (perceptions). According to Attribution Theory, when we are hurt by a negative event we naturally attribute the cause to someone or something, but our attributions are built on the information we have, and our preconceptions (values, beliefs, previous experiences, stereotypes, and assumptions). These do not always reflect the true reality but we tend to ignore reality and "jump the gun," often laying blame on our partner. Arguing allows us to express our own attributions, but it also allows us to hear those of our partner. When couples argue they are in fact testing each other's reality, and there is much to learn about one another through this process. Once we understand our partner's assumptions and perceptions we can fill in our own information gaps as well as his or hers. This will develop deeper awareness and connection between the two of you, and expand both yours and your partner's realities. Being understanding and compassionate while your partner expresses his or her attributions will increase the emotional bridge between the two of you, but being closed and defensive will only create more tension. Hence, healthy arguing requires skills of openness, tolerance, compassion, and acceptance. Don't verbally attack your partner as this will only create hostility. Practice, constructive expression which includes being aware of how you express your words. If you feel angry, leave the nest and calm down before you approach an issue. Also, explicitly tell yourself and your partner that you accept that each of you are unique individuals with your own understanding and perceptions. This forges respect. Be curious about understanding your partner's attributions in greater detail in order to understand his or her reality.
By sharing thoughts and feelings more frequently, partners can reach a better place of understanding.
When arguments occur, they are often simply markers that indicate a couple has not spent enough time conveying thoughts and feelings to one another. Couples often end up in conflict because they lack understanding of what their partner is thinking or feeling. So one of the rewards of arguing with your partner, is that it provides opportunities for emotional expression, emotional re-connection, new learning and personal and couple growth.
It's okay to argue.
Although many people may see them as negative relationship traits, arguments are a necessary and healthy part of life. It's how we choose to argue that can be unhealthy and detrimental. Conflict arises because we are all unique beings with individual wants, needs, and desires. We each need fulfillment to be happy, so when we are unfulfilled, it can damage how we relate to others and ourselves, in our nests. Helping one another wade through conflict is critical to human health. Whether it's changing the nest, rearranging the twigs or listening to your partner ruffle his or her feathers, conflicts can help us flock to a better place of understanding, where couples can become lovebirds once again.
Reference
Furlong, G. T. (2005). The conflict resolution toolbox, pp. 130 - 131, 137 - 138, Mississauga, ON: Wiley & Sons.
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